*~13linking Moment~*: May 2005

~`Living in Lies`~

I didn't want to believe that I didn't have parents. But it was true. then I start to believe that there is someone out there for me. But that wasn't true either. I am living in lies...the lies I made up to make me happy...just once.

How sad and pathetic....I've always wanted to be happy but I have to lie to myself to make me happy. It's no wonder why I believe the teasings and jokes from my boyfriend. I bet he isn't the one for me...I don't have to think it...I live in lies....I can't kill myself if I tried. My life will continue as a torturement.

I love him..and I thought he loves me...and together we'll live happily. All lies.............there is no happiness for me. Whether I want to believe it or not, it's the truth. I can't be happy because I never deserve it nor will I ever be able to achieve it. I can't be happy unless life is nothing but a lie. I hated myself for being so gullible towards people's lies. I would believe anything...and just like that...I am teased and joked at. People would laugh...and I knew..that deep down..I was lying, too. I lie in order to make a 'fake' happiness. Because I knew that my future can never be happy, no matter what I say. Things for me will never come out like I wanted...and I can't expect my boyfriend to stay with me forever. He will leave me....once he has enough of me. Soon...he will leave and I will be alone...all alone...with only lies to make me happy. I am living in my own lies.

~++Wanting You++~

I don't want to say that I doubt your love or you. The fact that you are still there for me is doubtful. I have been always alone...even though I always have a smile and thought that my parents would return for me. Knowing that you loved everything about me make this seems too good to be true.
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I don't deserve this happiness. Even if my heart is happy...it still doesn't seem right that this relationship will be lasting.
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I am lonely, and I regret it. But how is it that when you see the worse of me, you still love me like before? My reasons for you to leave are for you to find someone better, and I don't want to feel the saem pain when someone leaves me.
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Why can't I just be happy? Because it doesn't seem that I deserve this happiness. And I just don't want to end up losing the happiness.
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Don't I love you? Yes, even if this seems to good to be true, I still very much in love with you. And I regret for having you to fall in love with me.

Why Can't Everyone just Leave me Alone?

Why can't you leave?
Let Me Die.
Curse this world..
I hate Living.

Leave me.
Kill me.
Hate me.
Stab me.

Why can't you leave?
Am I so fun to torture?
You wouldn't understand.
No one cares.

Leave me.
Kill me.
Hate me.
Stab me.

Why can't you leave me?
Do you feel pity?
Well, you shouldn't
because I don't need you.

+Pain within Flaws+

I was lonely and maybe hurt by many things. But the most hurtful things are being acknowledged by your flaws.

I wasn't perfect...at least, I never think I will ever will be. My boyfriend talks of knowing everything..except he never give a thought that it hurts. I never cook...and I couldn't sew.....everything to him is a joke. Calling me a male....a female who shouldn't be.....it was all a 'joke' ....something that is only funny to him and probably to everyone else, except me.

I never knew the reason why parents left me...I wasn't borned with a deformed body nor am I a siamese twin. So the concludes that they didn't want me because of my flaws. And after being 'joked' about my flaws..it seems that, EVERYONE knows that I am imperfect and worthless. He was having fun hurting me...and I was in pain....tears come out from two sides, my eyes and heart. I didn't know why my parents just leave me to whither away when I was a child. I didn't even want to see myself when I look into a mirror...I just don't want to see that pathetic, sad, lonely girl.

Yeah...I guess I shouldn't call him "my boyfriend". I wasn't proud being moody and depressed. Nor did I enjoy the everyday joking of my flaws from my so-called boyfriend. It was a joke to him...but...it was something that I hate about myself.

~-Waking Love-~

I was left alone in a box..out in the rain. My cries are never heard, from my mouth and heart. I felt lonely and wishing that my life would leave me be. But as I awoken, I saw an embrace from someone warm and conforting. I don't feel threatened nor do I feel like this will ever end. I was loved....by no other than my beloved.

+~The Drifting Past~+

Time has come and go...but if feels like an eternity for it to past. For years, I've yearn to be free from my depressing childhood's grip. To forget.....is hard and cruel thing to do when your past is what made you who you are.

I was lonely...but I did't know until I realized that my parents would never come back for me. I was their 'junk'; they never thought about my future nor will they care if I was dead. For most of my childhood life, I thought that my parents are out there and busy. I've always thought that they would come back for me...and I will be waiting to say "mommy" and "daddy". But that day never come...whether I like it or not. My life has been a lie.......I've always been living based on my hope and dreams. Never did I know that I was only wasting my time to think that I will never have the word "parents" or "love".